Polyamory vs. Polygamy: What Non-Monogamy Actually Means

During Non-Monogamy Awareness Week, taking place July 7-13 this year, the community seeks to unpack stereotypes, debunk myths, and end the stigma behind consensual non-monogamy.

What Does "Poly" Actually Mean?

Some people use the shorthand "poly" (or increasingly, "polyam"*) to indicate that they are polyamorous, meaning they either have or desire intimate relationships with more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

Picture this conversation:

"...yeah, I'm poly!"

"Oh, polygamy? Like Mormons?"

"Well, polygamy has been discontinued in the Mormon church since 1890, but also, no. Polyamory. It's different."

"Polygamists, the ethically non-monogamous, the polyamorous? Whatever! They're all the same person!"

Let's draw a line here: polygamy and polyamory are two very different things.

Polygamy vs. Polyamory: What's the Difference?

A Sacramento-area throuple and the Sultan of Brunei's harem have drastically different relationship dynamics, and ignoring those differences marginalizes the identities of consenting adults who choose to practice non-monogamy.

What Is Polygamy?

Polygamy is the marital practice of one person having multiple spouses. What most people picture is actually polygyny: a marriage practice in which a man takes more than one wife, often reserved for men in power. This practice stems from religious institutions promoting reproduction within patriarchal hierarchies. Without getting into the R-rated specifics, it was an institution that repurposed women as heir dispensers.

What Is Polyamory?

When we talk about polyamory, this is NOT what we're talking about. Polyamory is an intentional practice of consensual non-monogamy where people have (or are open to) multiple loving, committed relationships at the same time, with everyone's knowledge and consent. It's built on communication, honesty, and mutual respect.

"Non-monogamy" is an umbrella term for a variety of relationship styles, such as open relationships, swinging, relationship anarchy, and more. Each approach offers different ways to explore connection, intimacy, and commitment outside traditional monogamy.

A Note on "Ethical" Non-Monogamy

You may be used to hearing the phrase "ethical non-monogamy,” but "ethical" has largely been dropped from the conversation. Do we need to specify that something is ethical when it's already rooted in reason and mutual respect? We don't think so, and the same principle applies here.

Busting Common Polyamory Myths

Let’s say our conversation from earlier continues, possibly because the bartender has yet to notice us, so you’re stuck at the bar as a captive audience.

"It's just a sex thing, right?”

Well, no. As important as intimacy is to me, my desires, emotions, and connections with each lover are unique to our shared experiences, and I value those experiences in a unique way. Sex is only a small component of the completeness of my affection toward my partners, in their own way.

"Isn't it just a way to cheat?"

Um, projecting. But, no. Consensual Non-monogamy is rooted in open communication and consent, meaning mutual respect is the foundation of non-monogamy or any non-traditional relationship, for that matter. Boy, this bar sure is busy, huh? Are you waiting on a drink, too?

"One partner should be enough."

I don’t agree that there needs to be specific rules about who I choose to love, but I understand that this is complex. Everyone in our lives adds something a little different, and sometimes several people can bring many distinct positive qualities. Intimacy is no different.

“Yeah, but the holy…”

Whoa, would you look at the time, 7:46 pm already?!? I'm sorry to cut you off, but I totally forgot I was meeting a friend anywhere else on the planet at exactly 7:47 pm. Sorry, gotta go, ttyl!”

What Non-Monogamy Actually Looks Like

You may not always have the luxury of keeping a conversation this neatly within your control, but we hope this offers some clarity about what non-monogamy actually means and how you can communicate your relationship decisions when it feels right. Whether you're explaining it to a curious friend, a new partner, or your parents, who are very curious about why you and your roommates are so close.

Learn More About Polyamory and Consensual Non-Monogamy

If you're interested in learning more about non-monogamy, the community has plenty of resources to help you navigate new relationship dynamics, or reach out to Cady for a one-on-one consultation!

*With the existence of polysexuality and after requests from some members of the Polynesian community, you might start hearing more "polyam" as a preferred shorthand.

**Polyandry -- women having multiple husbands -- is also a thing, but we aren't digging into that today. Stay tuned for our Non-Monogamy Dictionary, which is clearly very much needed.