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Kinktober is almost over, so if you’ve spent the whole month “researching,” this is your sign to stop scrolling and start shopping!
Homework first, though (as always 😉). Grab my Yes/No/Maybe List + Kink Addendum and fill it out; make sure that you and your partner each fill it out separately. Then compare notes and spend a little time discovering your overlapping yeses and maybes. The mutual yes columns (and maybes 👀) become your shopping list, and I promise it’s a way better one than anything I could write for you (but you should still totally read this one).
The non-negotiables
Pick a safeword, plus a nonverbal signal for when somebody’s mouth is busy.
Keep safety shears within arm’s reach of anything binding, and check hands and feet every few minutes for cold, tingling, or color change.
Nobody stays tied up alone. Not even for the 30 seconds it takes to grab lube from the bathroom.
Impact goes on the padded parts (butt and thighs). Never joints, kidneys, or spine.
Too drunk or high to drive? Too drunk or high to play.
Plan your aftercare before you start.
Sensory
This is where I tell beginners to start because it’s low-commitment and pays off big (my favorite combo).
Put on the Blackout Blindfold and suddenly every other sensation is much more intense. Your partner can’t brace for what’s coming (which is the whole point!), but you also lose their facial expressions, so check in out loud more than you think you need to. Then play with contrast. Start with the Feather Tickler, switch to the Sensory Mitt (fur on one side, spikes on the other), and slip on the Sensory Fingertips for the back of a knee or the inside of an elbow.
The Je Joue Massage Candle melts into a warm oil you can drizzle right onto skin. Massage candles melt at a lower temperature than regular ones, so don’t just grab the candle from your bathroom. Test a drop on your own wrist first anyway (trust me).
Restraint
The Under-the-Bed Restraint System is my go-to for first-timers because you don’t need a headboard or bedposts, and these Furry Handcuffs are cute as heck and come with a full matching line of accessories!
The Spreader Bar keeps ankles or wrists apart, and the Thigh Sling loops behind your neck and holds your legs up and open (your hip flexors will thank you).
10 meters of rope is plenty for a basic chest harness or a wrist-to-ankle setup. Learn one solid single-column tie before you get fancy. Keep wraps off the inside of the wrist and the outer upper arm where nerves sit close to the surface, and if anyone goes numb or tingly, untie right then.
Impact
Warm up first! Start with your hand, go slow, and build. Skin can take way more after ten minutes of buildup than it can when it's cold, and it feels better, too.
Quick rule of thumb: wide surfaces feel thuddy and narrow ones sting. The Vegan Leather Paddle is a forgiving first paddle. The Silicone Paddle bites harder, and its handle doubles as an insertable toy (multitaskin!), so wash it first and use water-based lube, since silicone lube can break down silicone toys over time. The Crop has a small tip that lands exactly where you aim it, and this Dual Impact Crop gives you two different surfaces in one tool.
The Vegan Leather Flogger spreads each hit across multiple tails. Practice on a pillow before a person, because if you stand too close, the tails can wrap around and land on ribs or hip bones (not the fun kind of ouch).
Collars & Clamps
Talk about what a collar means to each of you before you put one on. For some people it’s a big deal; for others, it’s just hot, and you want to know which one you’re dealing with. The Leash & Collar Set is the playful bedroom version. Two fingers should fit underneath, and the lead should come from the side or back, never by yanking the front of the throat. The Day Collar passes for jewelry out in the world (and only the two of you have to know!).
Clamps squeeze tissue and slow blood flow, and what makes people yelp is usually taking them off when blood rushes back in. Keep the first few sessions short and release slowly. The Suction Clamps are the gentlest place to start, while the Magnetic Clamps and Pinching Rods apply much more pressure (the rods let you dial in exactly how much, which makes them my favorite of the bunch).
Gear & Harnesses
The Toy Mount is a wedge that holds a toy in place so you can ride it at your own pace and angle, and it doubles as a positioning pillow. The Thigh Strap & Forced O Strap is a 2-in-1. Wear a toy on your thigh for strap-on play when a hip harness feels awkward, or strap a wand in place so nobody has to hold it. If you’re doing forced O, agree on a time limit and your safeword ahead of time because it ramps up fast.
Feeling bold? The Foot Harness and Face Harness put a toy somewhere unexpected, and they’re as much about the power dynamic as the sensation. The Punishment Mat is a studded kneeling mat. Knees are joints, so keep it short, put a towel over it the first time, and check for numbness when they stand back up.
Aftercare
Set up your aftercare station before anything starts. Lay the Waterproof Blanket down before the massage oil comes out (future you will be grateful). Keep Pjur Toy Cleaner nearby for everything that touched a body, Arnica Gel for the bruise-y day after (unbroken skin only), and the Baby Wrap within reach.
And have something to drink ready! I keep Liquid I.V. Sugar-Free in White Peach in my aftercare basket. Between sweating and crying through the good parts, a big scene can leave you way thirstier than you’d guess. Then the adrenaline wears off, and you might crash (hiiii, sub drop and top drop, which can show up hours or even a day later), and plain water is a hard sell when you’re that floaty. Mix it before you start so it’s already on the nightstand.
Want a PDF of this guide with pictures and links? Find a downloadable version of the guide here and shop our kink collection at MOTHERLODE.
